Monday, November 9, 2009

not myself these days... i miss me. sounds vain, but that's not what i mean.

Man... it's been an interesting couple of weeks. I almost feel like I've walked around in this cloud, not physically feeling like myself because I've been so sick, which made me struggle to feel like myself emotionally and spiritually also. I just sort of woke up, went through the day, went to sleep, and hoped maybe the next day would be a little better. I kind of checked out, and unfortunately that always seems to happen when I feel like the people I love need me. When people's grandparents pass away, and parents file bankruptcy, and ex-boyfriends make sisters cry, and pregnant best friends are hypersensitive and need someone to talk to... life happens, and its problems seem to pile up when you shut the world out for a while. But don't worry, they wait for you to come back, and when you're exhausted from catching up on a week's worth of missed classes, feeling physically, mentally and emotionally drained, that's when they really like to make sure they get to you. The thing is I have been so drained that I haven't been able to be there for some of the people that I love the most, and I'm so frustrated with feeling this way.

Today I'm tired, and I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I'm not really feeling good again. It's like a vicious cycle, and I just want a break. I need a break. I want to go home, let my mom cook for me, play fetch with my dog, watch football with my dad, and have coffee with my sisters. I know all of that is right around the corner, but Lord, I need you to help me get through these next couple of weeks. I don't want to walk around in a cloud anymore. I don't want to be sickly anymore, or sad, or overwhelmed. I don't want to be too drained to pour into other people. I'm struggling, Lord, I haven't felt like myself in weeks, and it's really starting to wear on me. I'm leaving my burdens at your feet, God, because I can't carry them anymore. Heal my body, restore my soul, and bring back the spark of energy that I haven't felt in so long. I just want to be able to love and invest in the people that I love so much, and I haven't lost my heart for that, but I don't have the energy or strength to do it. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I want to be me again.

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