Monday, April 6, 2009

Unanswered Questions

Last week was a tough one. Leaving Nashville was hard, it always is... leaving all of those people that I miss having around all the time always makes me a little bit sad. Leaving a good friend of mine who's really struggling a lot right now was probably the hardest part. It's hard to watch people you love hurt and not be able to do anything to fix it.

Thursday was the two year anniversary of the death of a close family friend. He was my dad's best friend and my best friend's dad. I had known him my entire life, and pretty much grew up just as much in his house as I did in mine. He died on his way to pick up my best friend from rehab, when he crashed his little private plane. As much as I miss him, and it's just hard to think that he's not around anymore, the thing that breaks my heart the most about it is that his family is still hurting so much. When he died we all thought, "maybe this is what it will take for things to change... for his kids to stop walking down the dark road they're on." Two years later, not much has changed. It's just one of those things that I don't know if I will ever understand. It's something that often has me thinking, "God, where are you in this situation?!"

I guess my point is that it's situations like this when I think it's really hard to just have faith that it's part of God's plan, because there is so much pain and heartache involved. It's hard to just be prayerful about it and not be able to do anything else at all. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have taken my best friend's dad so that she would draw closer to Jesus. But maybe that's what had to happen... and maybe God's timing is different than mine, and I shouldn't be frustrated, because to him two years isn't very long, even though it seems like forever to me. I can say all of this, but to really believe it is different, and honestly, my first thought on the situation is, "God, I don't understand. This can't be part of your plan, because it's not working."

... I don't have a thoughtful or clever way to tie this all together like I usually do, or any last thoughts at all, really. This is just a real, frustrating thing that I struggle with, that I'm still searching for the answers to. After two years, I don't even really know if there ever will be an answer. I'm just gonna keep being prayerful, I guess. Someday maybe it will all make sense. Maybe one day everything will fall into place and I'll look back and think, "that's why God did that." At least I hope that's what happens.

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